Machete

Right, speaking of ridiculous.... If you are the kinda guy who looks at a film and says "that car chase would never happen because the power to weight ration of the escaping car is blah blah blah blah blah..." and "he would never survive the crash because his head has the same density as a watermelon and blah blah blah.." then you are better off going back to your lab, because this film is simply ridiculous.

No joke, it's sort of Once Upon a Time in Mexico meet Shoot 'Em Up, plus added ridiculousness.

Sadly the opening fight is the best in the film in my opinion and there is a greater chance in every member of the film crew being hit by meteorites while they are equally distributed across the earth than the final battle going down as it did. However, combine Jessica Alba, Lindsey Lohan and Michelle Rodriguez in the same film and we, my friends have got a movie on our hands!

No, seriously, go and see this, its freakin' amazing! Totally absurd and brilliant at the same time. (just make sure you have a few beers before and have plenty of snacks and you're sorted!)

Clash of the Titans

What I don't understand is why we have to make stupid. Yeah, its all about crakens or however you spell that, and medusa etc. but even taken that into consideration, I felt it was stupid. Secondly, I didn't get the feeling like it was a quest. Maybe I have been spoiled by LOTR and Star Wars and other endless trilogies, quadrologies, gadzilliologies, but there was no sense of occasion. When when the main guy was on the pegasus to the final fight, I thought to myself - "Already? All you did is have two fights before and slapped some witches' eye around."

Only thing I liked about this film was the lead. I really like Sam Worthington now. Alas, there wasn't much else in there. Even the battles made ma wanna go make tea instead.

So what you can really do is give this one a miss and watch 300 or Troy again instead... they are far far better.

Brothers

So it's dark. It's twisted. It's simple. It's edgy. It's brilliant.

Story of a brother that deploys to Afghanistan, is supposed dead but makes an unlikely comeback to find his place in the family replaced by his brother. Mentally, it's kind of like Jarhead and The Messenger combined, but with a twist. Sounds good right? Well it is.

Besides, if you, for some unimaginable reason like me, enjoy Jake Gyllenhaal, then you are all sorted and there really is no reason for you not to go see this film.

The Other Guys

I will now capture the essence of this film in three sentences. Have you ever seen Anchorman? If yes, then you might get a laugh or two out of this one. If no, then watch this, you will love it and once you are done, watch Anchorman because you will laugh your sides off.

That was two sentences. Well, you know what they say, sixty per cent of the time it works every time. Honestly, Will Ferrell is extremely funny, but I don't think it came out as much in this. On the other hand, Mark Wahlberg really stole the show here. If you have been reading my reviews, you will remember that monsieur Wahlberg can only play one character. Well this was perfect for him because normally when he plays the backstreet tough guy with nothing-to-lose attitude, he just looks silly and as credible as a koala pretending to be a grizzly bear. But let him play the same role in a film where this anger is supposed to look over the top and ridiculous and you have a combination worth gold.

It is a definite must-see film that will leave you rolling on the floor. Just try not to choke on your popcorn.

Toy Story 3

I guess there really isn't much to say about this one. The people who are into Toy Story will see it and the people who aren't won't. It's just that kind of a film.

Which makes it even more surprising, that having not seen 1 or 2, I, who I'm not really bothered about such films saw it. Bits were funny and, having been explained the whole plot malarky, I kind of understood what made it tick. People who you could tell were proper into it were in tears by the end. I, however, was not. It just isn't my type of film, so thus there wasnt much cinematographic value in it for me. Which, looking back, didn't stop me one bit from having fun, so you might as well give it a go.

But like I said in the beginning - if you're into it, you will enjoy it, you you aren't, you probably won't.

The Ghost Writer

I'm really undecided on this one. The plot was clever, I guess but it felt so dragged on that I lost interest in it and started looking for other things to keep me entertained. The scenery sparks to mind as, after all, films are a visual art. Sadly, the setting of the film was about as interesting as watching an 80-year old man's hair grow. Yes, its creepy and nothing will ever happen, just like the film.

At the same time, there were twists and turns in the story line, Ewan McGregor could have been worse, Brosnan couldn't, and the ending was a bit of a loose end. So it sounds pretty decent, no?

Oh I can't make up my mind, just go, watch it and then let me know what you thought.

The Daybreakers

Has anyone ever seen a worse film? No, I'm serious. Actually, wait, I take that back now that I've remembered some people decided to make High School Musical 1,2 and even 3, which are also known as the worst films in the history. I'd rather go have a wall of death with a pack of rhinos than watch those 3. But in all seriousness, The Daybreakers is just an awful, awful film.

There was only one thing I mildly enjoyed throughout the hour and a half of utter disgust - the concept of blood running out. Basics of supply and demand were covered, except if human blood was exchanged like a commodity as food, the whole market would have collapsed ages before they came to the situation when people realise there isn't any left. Just like what's gonna happen to us when we stop finding new places to drill oil from.

So here's an honest suggestion - why don't you go and watch a documentary about drilling oil rather than waste time on this crap?

From Paris with Love

It's kind of like Training Day crossbred with Mr. & Mrs. Smith. So it sounds pretty good, right? Wrong. I really enjoyed the first half and when it got to the second half it was just a complete anticlimax.

The first half was witty, exciting and the fight scenes were bloody. So all was well. And then we got to the second half which reminded me a bit of old Steven Seagal or Jean Claude van Damme films - crap. It was as if the director realised he had run out of time and made a bit of an etch-a-sketch ending for the film. As an insult to injury, the final scene was little short of cinematic abortion. This is 2010, last lines like that belong in the early 90s.

Two things did make me happy though. Firstly, I am not sure whether it is the extrapolation of John Travolta's midlife crisis into his acting career or if he has really into the baddie role now, but He was awesome in this as he was in the Taking of Peltham 123.

Secontly, one of Travolta's lines was "royale with cheese," which made me laugh.

I wouldn't recommend it, but I can't blame you if you wanna watch it.

Up In The Air

Luckily, I saw this film on a long bus journey when I was hung over. This covers all the basis as I was in a similar situation to the characters and due to my intoxicated condition, looked much like George Clooney.

It is the sort of film that isn't bad enough to be a time waster, i.e. the kind you watch for the cheap thrills from oversized explosions or slapstick humor. Surprisingly, it wasn't good enough either to be an actual work of art. So what are we actually left with here? Well, quite frankly not much apart from a 50-year old bloke who hates people, thinks he finds his match and true love, only to get smacked in the face in the most ironic of ways. And that is fine, because he treats us.

No wonder he got nominated for an oscar, because he is one hell of an actor, but it's the movie that let him down and robbed him a small yellow dude on a platform. And since I've already ruined the twist in the plot there is no reason why you should see it. So instead, go and run in the fields or something, walk your dog or play chess.

Inception

Right, so basically, imagine a ball of string. Pretty simple right? Now picture a ball of string with gadzillion ends sticking out rather than one. That's what you get with Inception.

The best bit was, however that as you go through the story, all these little ends of string find matches and tie to them to make a big, fat piece of rope that will soon, thanks to the twisted writing skill of Christopher Nolan, explode, be involved in a car chase, be shot at, punched and thrown off a bridge.

The story in a nutshell is about invading people's dreams to steal thoughts. Easy, right. But not when Leo DiCaprio is around... should have seen that one coming. Now naturally, you must go into someone's brain to put an idea in there, but obviously that is completely impossible...

...unless you have Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page and Handsome Bob on your side, obviously. Combine this and you have all that it takes to make a good movie - think of it as an IKEA equivalent of a blockbuster.

Luckily though, the whole thing is so well done that not once did I get the feeling I had no clue what was going on, which leaves you without a single reason not to see this film.

Shutter Island

Basically, this is a right mindf*ck of a film. There is no other way to describe it.

I expected it to be one of those supernatural, creepy-lady-with-a-rotting-tongue type films, but I was wrong and I'm glad I was because what it was, was so much better. I am not a fan of scary films as time and again their point seems to evade me completely. Shutter Island surprised me with its wittiness, execution and the lengths to which the plot was thought through to.

However, it was not human testing or mental illnesses that got me thinking, not even Leo's wavy locks managed it this time. How far would we go to believe a beautiful lie over an ugly truth? Being the sort of person that likes his truths served like sushi minus the soy sauce, I struggle with the idea of a life mislead. Ideals can be noble and glorious in their essence, onto which layers of lies are laid, but can we really place a lie at the center of our lives? Yet I find it difficult to blame Teddy Daniels for following his lies through to salvation.

P.S. Make sure you watch it.

The Green Zone

So this is what? The story that is supposed to wash the iraqi blood off the American footsoldier's hands? I'm not into politics and fully understand that soldiers go to war for leaders and die for ideas stupider than a chair, but my problem with the film is that I genuinely don't see a point in it.

It was alright for passing time, which, I essentially was doing watching it. And the chase sequences and power relationships kept me interested, but so would a washing machine. Honestly, I would be as happy watching a red sock and a pair of blue undies battle it out in the dryer as watching this. Its the sort of corrupt cop drama that you have seen a thousand times before, except the cops are soldiers, and the baddies are government officials rather than dirty cops.

So have we really been force-fed this pumpkin and jello mash just that some halfwit somewhere would understand it was a rubbish administration rather than a nation that caused a pointless war? I'm sorry, but if you need this film to figure that out, maybe you would be better off growing turnips and referring to a lightbulb as witch-craft.

At least Matt Damon now has some money to buy a fake beard for and maybe get a different haircut to make him look a bit more rugged and less of a 19-year old shop assistant.

Crazy Heart

I can see why people appreciate this film so much. I, however, do not.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good film, the acting's brilliant and the soundtrack too, provided you are the kind of person that has a sofa on you r front law, do not know what soap is, don't consider vegetables a meal and look at your fit cousin and think: "I'll have a bit of that." But I just can't see myself wanting to see it again. And when it comes to films, that is something I look for. I want to have a need for more.

Right, so without spoiling much, its about Bad Blake, don't know who he is, google it, I'm not an encyclopedia. His struggles, successes and vomcanoes. As you do, if you have an alcohol addiction. Jeff Bridges, as we all know, got an Oscar for the lead and I can now see why, he really did do a good job, but nonetheless, I remain unmoved.

I'd say - see for yourself, maybe you'll love it. I didn't.

The Bounty Hunter

I wouldn't waste my time on this again. It wasn't exactly bad, but it was far from good, so I think I'm right to say that it was horrific.

As a result of a combination of films and by comparison with other slightly quirky-yet-so-girl-from-next-door-looking actresses I now hate Jennifer Aniston. This film has a lot to do with it. It set it in stone for me. Gerald Butler was bearable on account of Gamer, Law Abiding Citizen and The Ugly Truth. If it had not been for these films before this, I would have hated him too, but for now, I will exercise my right to remain silent. Everybody gets away with one.

The plot was... well there was no plot. It was more like the drunken ramblings of a meerkat with tourette's. Basically, don't watch this, you will only encourage the people making this crap.

Dear John

There's no point. Don't bother.

It has some life truths in it, but you will learn them anyway and will be saving yourself a lot of time.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Those of you who know me know that I have an obsession with penguins. You also know that I am extremely picky with fantasy films. This one was a bittersweet viewing for me.

I was annoyed throughout the film. My ear was itchy, the caravan-thingy they lived in was stupid, Johnny Depp was rubbish (I know, who would have guessed I'd ever be saying that) the mirror looked as good as Bigbird's impression of Julia Roberts and the graphics were childish enough not to be enjoyed by anyone looking for a serious experience and the children... Well there weren't any there and tell you the truth, I wouldn't take my kids to this either.

I would, however, take my kids to watch Brokeback Mountain. Not because I have an overwhelming need to make my kids gay, heavens no, and don't read into this because I'm not looking forward to explaining why I'm not PC. Just be quiet, will you! The reason I would take my kids to watch that film is because I want them to appreciate good acting. One of the reasons for me watching this misguided effort of a film in the first place was that Heath Ledger happens to be one of my favorite actors. How can you not like someone who apparently improvised half the comedic dialogue in this film? He made this film, without him, this would be as much to watch on the big screen as tomato soup boiling. And I don't know about you but I dislike tomato soup.

When Depp played his Tony, I was rather frustrated. The charismatic swagger of Heath had been replaced with the awkward yet warm slyness of Jack Sparrow. I won't say anything about Jude Law or Monsieur Farrell, mainly because I felt them to be trivial to the film. Kind of them to take part and extremely kind of them to give their paychecks to Matilda Ledger, but apart from the somewhat awkward fit of Farrell's badboy look for Tony's fate, I found little to be joyous for.

By the way, Lily Cole is a babe. That is all.

Now I wonder whether it would be the same film if Ledger would have finished the film. I guess it wouldn't. But it would be better. I suppose he just went to prove again that the brightest of us burn out the quickest. Heath Ledger - what a man... and what an actor.

The Hurt Locker

You know one of these films that you watch and feel nothing and would carry on feeling nothing for a few hours? Well it is definitely one of them.

There was sort of nothing good about the film, there was nothing that hasn't been done before, whether you take Jarhead or Full Metal Jacket. It's all about the camaraderie and the trust and dependence the soldiers share trusting their lives in the hands of their mates.

There seems to be nothing happening in the film. There is just some sand, and boots and a shell and a guy with explosives locked to his chest begging for help. And then there is dust, a football, more dust some wind and then a sniper taking your head off.

I didn't understand how it won more Oscars than Avatar... and I still don't. But it is just SO good. Why don't you do yourself a favor and go see it? If you don't, you will be angry at you and you won't like him when he is angry.

New York I Love You

The weirdest film I have seen in a long time. It was kind of like the show "The Hills" in terms of meaningless fragments of the plot and the rest filled with scenes from the city.

Maybe I'm being harsh here, because I've never been to NY, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I know that the so-called plot in the film reminded me more of scribbling on a napkin than script. I bet the guy who wrote this, realised he had a deadline for this, but then took the down payment he received for the script, went and bought a large quantity of weed and disappeared off the face of the earth for about a month. Once reality came calling, he just decided to chuck in random bits and fill the rest in with piano music and shots of buildings.

And another thing. Fair deuce you want to make a film where people's lives cross randomly, but if you stuff your film with conversations developing on the corner of the street it will feel very fake. Because people just aren't like that in real life. I was thinking to myself several times during the film "In real life, at this moment the person would just tell you to f*ck off!" And the truth is that they would, call me a cynic, but they would.

What I did like about this film though was the old couple. "Lift your feet" "I am lifting my feet" "No, you are shuffling" - Brilliant.

Oh, and don't watch this film.

The Messenger

It has been a long time since I saw a film the I enjoyed as much. And I'm not being too kind here, because I expected it to be good. Oscar nomination for Woody Harrelson and a solid plot - you would expect good things to happen.

But here's the twist. I didn't think it was that good. For starters, Woody Harrelson was good, I won't go against the academy on this one, but I didn't think he was that good. I thought Ben Foster was better. Everything else seemed good as well - the directing, screenplay, writing (once again, won't go against the academy.) But that doesn't mean it was anything special. So why did I enjoy this so much?

The reason was that for the first time for a very long time I felt the people were really acting the emotions of the characters. And I liked that. Every now and again a film like this comes along and we instantly credit the plot or the writing. I guess for me, it was the combination of acting with the theme that created this sense of enjoyability. It just felt good to watch. I felt the actors weren't simply depicting the actions of the characters, they weren't puppets to movement. They were real, they were playing feelings.

Having never been to war and being very unlikely ever to have, I cannot judge whether the feelings conveyed were accurate or not, maybe someone else may see the film as slightly fake but I enjoyed it. I really did.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Surprisingly enough, I had never seen this film until last night. To make up for this horrible mistake, a friend and I got the extended version and settled down for night of relaxation, empty deserts and a theme tune more catchy than Francisco Cervelli.

I will tell you now that I thought the film was utterly brilliant in every way possible so I wouldn't waste your time with animal related metaphors discussing the butchness of Clint Eastwood or how absurd the camera angle in the first scene was.

What I liked most about this film though, was the extended version bit. Now, I haven't seen the normal version, but I can't see what bits of the plot could be taken out and still tell the same story. Which brings me to the conclusion that to extend the playtime they decided to add random scenes of the desert and the band playing while Tuco took a beating. As absurd as this may be, the slow pace made the film for me. There was a sense of irrelevancy. As if the characters just happened to be there, without any purpose, just minding their own business.

And I like this. I like old films because they are not stupid in their insistence upon being epic. The final battle between the hero and anti hero in Dirty Harry consisted of a single punch in the face. What is wrong with that? Do you really have to go all Jean Claude Van Damme on my rear end and get shot, electrocuted, stabbed and strangled to make a good action film?

However, The Good, The Bad & The Ugly was epic in every way regardless of its subtleness and I'm going to regret going back into the world of cramming life-changing events into 120 minutes of screen time. I liked the old days - life was slow, people were random and there was a great abundance of horses.